Marriage , partners, girlfriends or boyfriends, of all our relationships that one with our other half, is the one that can bring us the greatest connection, one that can bring us the most joy, support and also the most challenges.

The word relationship is made up of two word relation and ship and of course we want our partners to be on board with us, not sailing into the sunset on a separate cruise! So how can we make sure that happens?

What if you could reduce some of those challenges and have more moments of joy? Would that be something that would be useful to you?

With the variety of clients I see seeking support around challenges in their relationships, I frequently hear statements like:

“He should know…” or “Deep down she knows I care.”

And here is where communication has broken down and mind reading has begun, that trait of us thinking, whether male or female, that we know what is going on in our partner’s head.

For those of you that are watching Desi Rascals, a reality show about young Asian and Pakistani professionals, there is currently a great example of a relationship between Mo and Jo where both partners are saying exactly that. Though it is obvious, at least to us – the ones that are watching, that they care about each other, somehow they do not understand what the other NEEDS in order to know or feel that their partner cares about them.

In Desi Rascals, Jo the girl wants, Mo, the guy to take some action to show her that he cares for her, the showing is the most important thing for Jo;  Jo wants Mo to organise a date, give her a call and “show me you are interested in talking to me.”

For Mo, he has “mind-read” her and ASSUMES that Jo should know how he feels. Mo makes statements like – “she knows deep down that I care”.

Sorry Mo, Jo does not know because you did not show her – In this instance Jo told Mo exactly what she needed, he somehow didn’t hear her.

If Mo had simply listened and phoned her each day to have a chat, or spoken to her after her job audition with a simple question of “How did it go?” that would have SHOWN Jo that he cared. He did none of that so now this simple misunderstanding has caused Jo to split up with Mo, despite caring for him deeply.

We all experience the world differently; wearing lenses that are specific to us and that create our perspective.

       When we put on our partners lenses we can begin to                           understand their perspective.

 

People want love demonstrated in different ways; some men and women need to:

Hear the words spoken,

Others need Touch – a reassuring hug on a regular basis,

Some need to be Shown with a gift, gesture or phone call

 

Here is a simple example of seeing something differently:

What do you see first?                                                                                 

Perhaps you see both images or only one?

We all see and experience things differently.

Some see the young beautiful woman, others the old woman.

When you don t understand what your partner needs, because you have not learnt about their perspective, is when problems begin to arise.

And the solution is simplicity itself, learn to understand what you need and what your partner needs – they are frequently not the same thing and that’s okay, we are all different.  Just that little piece of information can be the key to creating a lasting and loving relationship. That information allows you to do what they need rather than what you think is the right way to express your love. In essence stepping into their shoes and coming from their perspective.

So how do you find out? Well a good way is to ask them – it is not rocket science!

ASK! ASK! ASK!

And of course then listen for the answer.

Open honest communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. For some reason people, both men and women can forget to ask or tell their partners what makes them feel good. Remember to listen for the answer!

With this key misunderstandings can be avoided and understanding developed as you learn your partner’s “love style.”  Your partner may not even be aware of their love style until you ask them what makes them happy.

Is it gifts, thoughtfulness, words, touch or something else?

After an argument or misunderstanding a great solution focussed question to ask is:

What would you like me to do differently?

With this key misunderstandings can be avoided and understanding developed as you learn your partners “love style.”

To help you on your way I am offering both you and your partner a free personality analysis, if you are single this is a great opportunity to understand yourself, that way you can help yourself find a partner who matches you.

This questionnaire will give you an insight into your personality style.  It’s a fun thing to look at with friends or partners allowing you to examine your similarities and differences and so open up communication and understanding.

Stay on that cruise together it’s so much more fun in happy company!

Free personality test:

For your free personality analysis simply go to www.mindshine.co.uk and drop me an email with the title free analysis and I will send you the test and results.