Marriage , partners, girlfriends or boyfriends, of all our relationships that one with our other half, is the one that can bring us the greatest connection, one that can bring us the most joy, support and also the most challenges.

The word relationship is made up of two word relation and ship and of course we want our partners to be on board with us, not sailing into the sunset on a separate cruise! So how can we make sure that happens?

What if you could reduce some of those challenges and have more moments of joy? Would that be something that would be useful to you?

With the variety of clients I see seeking support around challenges in their relationships, I frequently hear statements like:

“He should know…” or “Deep down she knows I care.”

And here is where communication has broken down and mind reading has begun, that trait of us thinking, whether male or female, that we know what is going on in our partner’s head.

For those of you that are watching Desi Rascals, a reality show about young Asian and Pakistani professionals, there is currently a great example of a relationship between Mo and Jo where both partners are saying exactly that. Though it is obvious, at least to us – the ones that are watching, that they care about each other, somehow they do not understand what the other NEEDS in order to know or feel that their partner cares about them.

In Desi Rascals, Jo the girl wants, Mo, the guy to take some action to show her that he cares for her, the showing is the most important thing for Jo;  Jo wants Mo to organise a date, give her a call and “show me you are interested in talking to me.”

For Mo, he has “mind-read” her and ASSUMES that Jo should know how he feels. Mo makes statements like – “she knows deep down that I care”.

Sorry Mo, Jo does not know because you did not show her – In this instance Jo told Mo exactly what she needed, he somehow didn’t hear her.

If Mo had simply listened and phoned her each day to have a chat, or spoken to her after her job audition with a simple question of “How did it go?” that would have SHOWN Jo that he cared. He did none of that so now this simple misunderstanding has caused Jo to split up with Mo, despite caring for him deeply.

We all experience the world differently; wearing lenses that are specific to us and that create our perspective.

       When we put on our partners lenses we can begin to                           understand their perspective.

People want love demonstrated in different ways; some men and women need to:

Hear the words spoken,

Others need Touch – a reassuring hug on a regular basis,

Some need to be Shown with a gift, gesture or phone call

Here is a simple example of seeing something differently:

What do you see first?                                                                                 

Perhaps you see both images or only one?

We all see and experience things differently.

Some see the young beautiful woman, others the old woman.

When you don t understand what your partner needs, because you have not learnt about their perspective, is when problems begin to arise.

And the solution is simplicity itself, learn to understand what you need and what your partner needs – they are frequently not the same thing and that’s okay, we are all different.  Just that little piece of information can be the key to creating a lasting and loving relationship. That information allows you to do what they need rather than what you think is the right way to express your love. In essence stepping into their shoes and coming from their perspective.

So how do you find out? Well a good way is to ask them – it is not rocket science!

ASK! ASK! ASK!

And of course then listen for the answer.

Open honest communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. For some reason people, both men and women can forget to ask or tell their partners what makes them feel good. Remember to listen for the answer!

With this key misunderstandings can be avoided and understanding developed as you learn your partner’s “love style.”  Your partner may not even be aware of their love style until you ask them what makes them happy.

Is it gifts, thoughtfulness, words, touch or something else?

After an argument or misunderstanding a great solution focussed question to ask is:

What would you like me to do differently?

With this key misunderstandings can be avoided and understanding developed as you learn your partners “love style.”

To help you on your way I am offering both you and your partner a free personality analysis, if you are single this is a great opportunity to understand yourself, that way you can help yourself find a partner who matches you.

This questionnaire will give you an insight into your personality style.  It’s a fun thing to look at with friends or partners allowing you to examine your similarities and differences and so open up communication and understanding.

Stay on that cruise together it’s so much more fun in happy company!

Free personality test:

For your free personality analysis simply go to www.mindshine.co.uk and drop me an email with the title free analysis and I will send you the test and results.

The post Tips for a Happy Relationship appeared first on Shine Cognitive Hypnotherapy.

Yesterday on Sky I watched an amazing program called Mermaids: the body found. It blew me away as it purports to the discovery of what they refer to as the aquatic ape – mermaids, an actual body was found.  Scientists proposed that a segment of human society, many aeons ago, began a sea dwelling existence and that over millions of years adapted to the sea – yes real living right now mermaids!

Well these brethren and sisters of ours live in a world where they get chased by sharks, eaten by them in fact – scientists believe they found the body of a mermaid in a sharks body in 2004.

For those of us with two legs opposed to a tail and not being chased by sharks, at least not the real ones, as my friend commented we live with other kinds of sharks! However the threat is hopefully not a  life and death one.

We are still evolving and evolutionary change takes a long, long, long time.

Our stress responses, which were set up to escape sharks and similarly dangerous land creatures, has not quite managed, for many of us, to understand that we don’t have to implode if the tube is late – there are far worse things.

So our bodies are highly sensitive and receptive to making sure we stay alive – our stress response releases adrenalin in to  our blood stream a surge of power and energy that tells us to FIGHT OR RUN NOW!!!

If you are not a  mermaid but live in a western equipped civilisation you might find that your stress response kicks in at other things:

Overdue bills, being squashed on the tube, trying to learn wordpress  (that’s my personal one at the moment!), people who cut in front of you as you drive, traffic jams , late trains, leaves on the tracks and of course many more.

Sometimes the stress is a useful reminder of something that needs to be done, great use it as exactly that – however when it disables you from getting on with things it is time to support yourself in being back in charge.

You are not a mermaid – holding your breath is not obligatory!

1.      BREATHE: INHALE AND EXHALE DOUBLY LONG

It might be useful for you to count to 7 as you inhale and exhale on the count of 11

Known as 7 11 Breathing.

That is it – if this does not sort you out read on as you continue BREATHING in for the count of 7 and out for the count of 11

INHALE                               EXHALE 

 7                                                   11

2.     Acknowledge how you are feeling – this may take some practice. A good question to ask is How am I feeling right NOW?

Practice asking this question even when you are not stressed – it is a question, courtesy of Eckhart Tolle in the fantastic book The Power of Now that is designed to bring you in to the present. Set your watch or phone to remind you throughout your day perhaps every hour to ask yourself the question:

HOW AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW?

This will support you in beginning to really notice what is going on inside you – tuning you into and recognising your feelings is the first step to releasing them.

Well once you know how you are feeling NAME IT

Most of the time we are trying to pretend we are not feeling an unnerving feeling – now we acknowledge and name it by saying:

I feel crappy, sad, head whirring, obsessive thinking, angry, upset, unappreciated, anxious stressed, overwhelmed, out of control , helpless.

Or whatever it might be for you.

3.     ACCEPT IT

Have you ever tried to have a fight with someone who will not fight back – eventually you either pummel them to the ground or calm down because it is like trying to fight a Buddhist monk who keeps smiling at you no matter how many times you hit them!

Acceptance can, for some people immediately, for others over a period of time be created by simply speaking the emotion e.g. sad, sad, sad, sad, sad

Either in your head or aloud

DO NOT:

I am sad because Linda left me and now …….etc etc etc

Having a conversation with the emotion just feeds it , if you catch yourself doing this say

Having a conversation,  Having a conversation, Having a conversation, Having a conversation, Having a conversation

It is like a layer cake and once one emotion you might notice that under sadness follows a further emotion

For most people hopefully what you will begin to feel is a sense of release as the emotion is fully acknowledged and accepted.

During this whole process BREATHE and breath specifically in this way

STAY CALM DON T PANIC AND LOOK FOR THE EXIT, IT IS THROUGH YOUR NOSE!

INHALE                               EXHALE 

7                                             11

FACEBOOK ENTRY AND AMENDMENT:

The post Stress, Sharks & Mermaids – Tips for Breathing When You Feel Like You Are Drowning! appeared first on Shine Cognitive Hypnotherapy.

Have you ever been in a situation where you start perspiring, feel your heart beat begin racing, some of us might feel disassociated from what is going on over associated feeling everything that is going on – like you have entered a different dimension from the one that you were in just seconds earlier – one where you no longer feel you have control of what is happening.

At best it can be uncomfortable at its very worst you may be experiencing a panic attack where the disorientation is so strong you experience symptoms that include:

Shallow breathing
Unable to visually focus
Distortion of your ability to hear and focus on what is going on around you
A sense of being unbalanced as if you are going to fall
A sense of fear and being out of control
As an adult a few years ago I remember sitting in a room learning photoshop and not quite getting what was being taught, the teacher was not one of the best I had ever experienced – though he meant well, I just was not getting it and he seemed to be getting more and more frustrated with me – which of course I found uncomfortable and was annoyed by.

As he spoke to me all of a sudden I could not hear what was being said, understand what was being explained or communicate in a way that felt like I was being an adult!

I had become an anxious child of 9 – however now as an adult I could choose to stay or leave – my 9 year old self was demanding we leave. How dare I be patronised in this manner!

My adult self was suggesting we move through the emotions and come out the other end of what I was experiencing and calling a “a really weird feeling” in as adult fashion as I could manage.

As I had then just qualified as a hypnotherapist I found the whole experience quite interesting as I had not previously “consciously noticed what was happening to me from the position of understanding how the mind works and what my mind was DOING TO ME – now I could use the experience as a learning tool!

I really did not have full control at that second in time – though I was doing my best to get it back

At some point in my life my mind had computed that not being able to do something speedily enough for my teachers = STUPID

FEELINGS OF BEING STUPID = ANXIETY

X = Y

And Y =

ANXIETY = a negative voice

= a negative feeling

= a combination of the two plus other horrible stuff!

I “choose” to leave the lesson early with my head whirling and a feeling of somehow being wrong or bad – I definitely did not leave feeling fab about photoshop!

And I did not leave as a full adult or a full child – I left somewhere in between as the adult part of me tried to cope with the child response to what was going on.

Eckhaart Tolle, author of the fabulous book The Power of NOW coined the term “Pain body”.

He uses this term in describing when a negative emotion takes over you

Literally I felt that my mind and body was taken over by alien invaders from the past – a 9 year old child who did not feel good enough in dealing with a teacher that was not patient enough.

All the elements I had experienced as a child in school reared their head in my photoshop class.

And now , when I work in school with young people, I see them doing exactly the same things I did at school – unable to read the question correctly as even before they have started there is a level of belief that they won’ t be able to do it, acting out aggressively or shyly as they find it hard to cope with not understanding and what that equals in their minds.

Somewhere along the line they picked up that idea and that IDEA sits in the middle of their brains waiting to be set of by that crawling feeling that may erupt at a moment’s time; like a spider crawling into the web to eat up its victim – bit gory I know!

One event can create connections around it and then sit in your brain those spiders just sitting and waiting to be released.

Those connections could be compared to a spiders web with a solid centre representing the initial event and the web developing around it representing situations and connections that you make over time. That event/situation/tone/person/ spider waiting to set of an unhelpful response.

THE PAIN BODY – THE ALIEN INVADERS – THE PANIC – THE SPIDER

Whatever you call it it’s pretty horrible and the more it happens the stronger the networks become dictating our behaviour and taking away our power to be in control

A self fulfilling prophecy that our brains have computed at some tender point in our lives.

So one event can create many unwanted networks – now the panic has spread to the tube tunnels, theatres, glass stairwells.

Thankfully research around the brains ability to change i.e its plasticity has shown that networks can be stopped and new networks created so that event has a more USEFUL MEANING as it sits in your brain.

Through hypnotherapy you can change the meaning of the significant event in a deep way – by supporting it in having a different meaning that network can be transformed or eroded.

SIGNIFICANT EVENT=NEW LEARNING = NEW RESPONSE

My experience as a hypnotherapist has demonstrated to me how differently clients can respond to an event that is significant to them –it is not necessarily a big thing or a small thing that has to happens to you – just something thing that has impacted at that moment in time, a moment when you are sensitive to an experience that can then stay with you for years and years.

Actually it is not your fault – it is just how your brain dealt with the situation at the time and ironically it is because your brain was trying to protect you – it felt your anxiety and wanted you to get out of the situation – in some situations and circumstances it probably was exactly what you needed to do.

Now we are older – old events and responses that belong to the past having control over us is not useful – thankfully there are now strategies that work brilliantly and quickly  to get rid of panic attacks and anxiety.

Time to pull the spiders web apart and create a new network of positive responses to challenging situations in your head.

You are not alone and it is not your fault,  it is just a physiological response that thankfully now can be undone.

If you would like a confidential chat about your specific issue please feel free to give me a call.

The post Panic & Perspiration appeared first on Shine Cognitive Hypnotherapy.